Emotional regulation, the ability to feel, manage and recover from strong emotions, is not a trait children are born with. It is built, through play, in the first five years.
When a child assigns a scary scenario to a toy character, controls how the story unfolds, and gives the character a resolution, they are practising, in a safe, contained environment, the exact same emotional processes they will need throughout life. The research of Laura Berk, building on Vygotsky's theory of private speech and the zone of proximal development, shows that the more make-believe play a child engages in, the better their capacity for self-regulation becomes.
This works because pretend play requires the child to simultaneously hold two emotional states (this is a scary scenario AND it is just a game), manage the narrative, and exercise symbolic thinking. These demands are the workout for the regulatory systems of the prefrontal cortex.
Key citation
Berk, L.E., Mann, T.D., & Ogan, A.T. (2006). Make-believe play: Wellspring for development of self-regulation. In D.G. Singer et al. (Eds.), Play = Learning. Oxford University Press
Physical play, running, climbing, rough-and-tumble, active exploration, directly regulates the body's stress response system. Neuroscientist Sergio Pellis has shown that physical play in mammals drives the development of the orbital prefrontal cortex, the brain region most associated with emotional regulation and social decision-making. Children who engage in more physical play show measurably lower resting cortisol levels and greater resilience to stressful events.
The screen-based alternative produces the opposite neurochemical pattern: a sharp dopamine spike during use, followed by cortisol rise on removal, the post-screen tantrum that almost every parent of a toddler recognises.
Key citation
Pellis, S.M. & Pellis, V.C. (2009). The Playful Brain: Venturing to the Limits of Neuroscience. Oneworld Publications
Research by Sandi Mann at the University of Central Lancashire shows that boredom activates the default mode network, the brain's imaginative and self-reflective system. Children who are allowed to be bored, and who are not immediately rescued by screens, develop a crucial skill: the capacity to generate their own engagement. This capacity, to self-direct, self-entertain and self-regulate, is one of the most valuable emotional competencies a child can possess.
The implication for parents: when a child says "I'm bored," the answer is not a screen. It is a moment, brief and temporary, before creativity ignites. The wooden toys on the shelf are the kindling.
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